fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize