I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
