It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
