Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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