you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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