last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Of course I have a pirate flag
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
