I am midnight drunk by noon
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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