I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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