so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
