carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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