I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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