"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize