I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
