New low: just hacked my moms facebook
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
