I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
