Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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