it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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