i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
