Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
