I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
