my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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