I just saw a hot homeless man
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
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