do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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