Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
