Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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