Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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