were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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