I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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