I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
