shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
