Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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