Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
