Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
