Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So much rum. So many feels.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
