I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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