I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
