You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
