i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
