Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
