I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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