from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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