I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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