he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I wish there were birth control emojis
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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