i already hear my dad disowning me
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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