i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize