I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
