I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
