If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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