I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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