I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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