Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
