Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
