So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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