This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
