Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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