We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize