I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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