man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
